10 Years. What? 10 YEARS!

Oh my wow. 10 Years. We made it to 10 years. It's funny. I've been contemplating lately what I was going to write on my social media sites to announce/brag/commemorate our 10 year wedding anniversary. (you know... because DUH, you have to post about this kind of stuff!)  I read others  lovey dovey relationship posts... I find them cute.... I find them endearing.... I find myself wondering. Do they argue? Do they fight? Do they really never go to bed mad at each other. I find myself thinking. Comparing. Envious. Happy. Depressed. Thankful. Blessed. (You get it, right?) I LOVE social media. I love it because you can share your life with family near and far, the life of your friends and reconnect with old friends and meet new friends. However, with social media, comes many posts throughout the day about peoples lives. Not too many people like to post the bad. I get it. I applaud it. I respect it. HOWEVER. The problem with "reality" now days is.... it's not really reality. It's inevitable that if you are on social media sites, you will compare yourself or your relationships to others in your newsfeed. (Some more than others). I would be lying if I said I didn't get discouraged about my marriage by comparing mine with someones FANTASTIC marriage by their "daily" relationship post. (you following?) This.... is about to get real. But sometimes, and especially in a world where marriage is so easily and casually tossed in the trash, the real needs to be told so that the comparring can turn into the "Yes, I'm not alone"

Ron and I. We couldn't be more opposite. He an introvert. Me loud and crazy. He a neatfreak. Me a walking disaster. He a germaphobe. Me... well.. I'd lick a sidewalk. We met November of 2002. A family dinner arranged by his Aunt and Uncle at my mom and step-dad house. He didn't talk to me and I went home and told my roommate he was a dork. We didn't see each other or speak until the following summer when we were both at (now say this next part with a hillbilly accent) The Jackson County Fair. (Insert a YEE_HAW here). We had both been drinking. (GASP). Funny and (kinda) cool thing is... Ron talks when he has alcohol in his system. He also dances, laughs and relaxes. We made out, went to Sharis had pie and we've been together ever since.  (Not the super awesome romantic Christian way of meeting someone... I know. But its the real part of our "us" and it worked.)

OH, and if you are still reading this. Please excuse any grammatical errors. Just like I love "social" media... I excelled at "social" high school. Not grammar class. :)

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^^^^ Okay, After waking up this morning I decided to delete a lot of the detail and writing out much more. I just want to say this. Marriage is hard. It actually downright sucks sometimes. Maybe for some people it comes easy. Falling in love with each other every day, never arguing, always sweet.... easy peasy. It's not the case for everyone. Ron and I are that "everyone". I sometimes question why God gave me Ron. He is a fantastic guy. But we have complete differen't Love Languages and more often than not it feels like a struggle. I love him so much and I know he loves me. But we have days where we just don't click. Do I throw in the towel... run down to the courthouse and file papers and start dividing assets. NO. Does he? NO. We both made a commitment on this day 10 years ago, to each other, to our family, and to God. We live in a day where divorce is so easily done, so socially accepted, where people don't call you out on your selfish behavior and tell you to buck up and figure out how to fix your relationship. I am amazed at how often I hear friends bashing on husbands, telling the woman she could do better. Instead of saying "Look, maybe your approaching it the wrong way, have you tried to talk to him this way, or have you tried this, or that. Have you looked at your own heart lately.... what's bugging you?" (is this making sense?) As immature as I can be in my marriage at times... I do know that I am mature enough to realize when I am the one being immature about an issue, or how to solve a problem.When I am letting my comparing on Facebook get in the way of building up my marriage. When my business is taking more time away from my husband and kids and I need to focus on that and step away from the computer for a day or two. Did I realize those things in the first few years of marriage.... no not really. Every person, every relationship will always be a work in progress. I am in no way a person who will sign myself or my marriage up for "role model marriage of the year" class. But I want to shovel out encouragement today, as I reflect on so many struggles and hard days (and don't get me wrong there have been a TON of great days!).

I have a lot of divorce in my family. It's ugly. Whether there are kids involved or not. It's sad and ugly. Nobody marries someone with the thought of divorce. I knew growing up that I didn't want to go thru a divorce and I especially didn't want my kids to go through one. I knew that I wanted to be able to have a 50th wedding anniversary party! I knew that I wanted to be old with my husband and be able to reflect on the life we are living now. That is why I push through the difficult days/ weeks/ months. And I'm not lying... there are months that for what seems like an entire month we just don't mesh well. But we push through and its great. And remember... Forgiveness. It's hard to forgive. from the smallest of the small to the largest of the large. Give forgiveness. I have witnessed a marriage between close friends almost die because of infidelity. But the husband offered forgiveness. And they are together still. Has it been easy for them. Not at all. Has there been healing, comfort, strength, and peace. Yes. They are teaching their children and others how to love and forgive in a very horrible circumstance. And even though biblical y a divorce would be okay. This man loved his wife and his children enough to work through the pain. I admire that. I admire them both.

I have always considered my marriage something of a legacy that I wanted to leave to my family and my children. I want them to see the commitment honored. Making it through the hard times but also creating really great times. Over the past year I would think of how I wanted to celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary. It started out with wanting to renew our vows. Being that it is true that I love him more now than I did on our wedding day. My vows that we have honored for 10 years would be even more powerful now than they were then. Then I wanted to renew our vows on a beach in Hawaii just the two of us and then have my mom fly over with my kids and have a vacation. The reality of that though is we both hate the heat and I strongly dislike swimsuits. ha! Then a few months ago I wanted to kidnap Ron to Nashville. (which someday I will) to currently just being happy being home building a house and celebrating our love and our legacy with (no joke) building a foundation of solid rock this weekend for our new home. :) Kind of ironic and cute all wrapped into one. As much as I love getting flowers or a cute little box with something sparkly.. I don't need it. I have what I need. I have him. We are different but he completes me.

I didn't want to leave a sappy love post. I wanted to leave something real. And leave others encouragement. Push through the hard days, change your heart, forgive, laugh, flirt, create a legacy and honor your commitment. It wasn't easy getting to 10 years. But I am so happy to be here and I am excited for the next 10!

♥♥

But just to tap into the sappy. Things I love (and hate but will someday maybe love) about Ron.
He is smart, handy to have around for fixing things, he has a great smile, I love how he laughs, how he passed out 3 different times from laughing so hard, he loves his family, he has no desire to be away from me or his kids and would be with is 24/7 if he could, he is an incredibly hard working, loves Jesus, loves my family, the way he scratches his head when he is thinking, how he crosses his arms when he stands, how he always puts his feet with mine at bedtime, how he is deathly terrified to try new food unless it is meat or potatoes, how he plays with our kids, how he loves me.

Stuffed Bell Peppers by Lacie Lacy

Several weeks ago I posted that I had made a delicious dinner. That dinner was stuffed bell peppers. Some friends and family had asked for the recipe. So, without further hesitation. Here it is. Keep in mind that stuffed bell peppers are easy, and so good! You can stuff them with so many things and it seems like it will always taste great! For this recipe I used what I had available in my fridge. While at the grocery store, I knew that I wanted to use up some items at home and so while cruising the produce isle I saw bell peppers and knew instantly what my plan was.

I hope you enjoy!

Crazy Beautiful Life

Sometimes I think, why. Why did God give me life? Why did I get married? Why did I choose to have kids? Why do I have friends? Why.... don't I just disappear? I'm not a good person. I'm cranky, I'm mean, I'm selfish, I'm disrespectful, I'm sloppy, I'm depressed, I'm.... just... horrible. I don't deserve this life.  And if I'm being honest here... I have begged begged begged for God to take me.

I have a very powerful mind. A very creative one at that. My mind NEVER shuts off. Never.  It's great at times and a curse at other times. When Satan wants to attack me, he does so by getting in my head. He knows my vulnerability lies in there. I could go into depth about my life, about times this has horribly affected me but I want to talk and write about this week because tonight.... something awesome happened.

This week I came home from a fun and relaxing filled weekend. I came home to my husband, my son and my daughter. There were hugs and kisses and I love you's said... and then.... real life took front stage again. My son, whom I love dearly. My son who is 4 1/2 going on 14. He is my oldest. I am the oldest in my family. Oldest for me meant= strong willed, confident, defiant, stubborn, moody. Oldest for my son = all of that too. So naturally because we are so much alike we butt heads. This week I could honestly say that almost every ounce of my body wanted to drop my son off with grammy and run away, throw myself into a bowl of spaghetti (who doesn't love to emotionally eat a bowl of spahgetti) and cry all of my mama's-at-the-end-of-her-rope tears away. (This is sugar coating my feelings) The truth is, satan saw what was happening. He saw me frustrated, he saw me angry, he saw me hurting and he got in my head. Do you know that Satan is a liar. His ultimate goal is to ruin and destroy anything good.

Side Note: I go to a bible study on Thursday mornings. We are currently reading The Power of a Praying Wife. Confession: I just bought the book today finally. I kept saying I would buy it off Amazon for cheap, and never did. So today I made myself get lost in Barnes and Noble (Holla if you love bookstores!) and I bought it. (Along with Have a New Kid by Friday, by Kevin Leman, woot-woot!) Side Note Over.

I started reading the book The Power of a Praying Wife tonight and on page 18 it says this... (this is directed towards marriage and husband and wife becoming one, but I feel it also applied to my life lately in many relationships) This oneness gives us a power that the enemy doesn't like. That's why he devises ways to weaken it. He gives us whatever we will fall for, whether it be low self-esteem, pride, the need to be right, miscommunication, or the bowing to our own selfish desires. He will tell you lies like, "Nothing will ever change." "Your failures are irreparable." "There is no hope for reconciliation." "You'd be happier with someone else." He'll tell you whatever you will believe, because he knows if he can get you to believe it, there is no future for your marriage. If you believe enough lies, your heart will eventually be hardened against God's truth.

WOW.

This week. These are the lies I heard in my head. "You are a horrible mother." "How are you a person with a family, you don't deserve this." "Your kids would be better with someone else" "You are a mean and selfish person" "You don't deserve to be alive" They may seem miniscule here in this blog, but the shook me to my core this week.

This week Dillon has tested EVERY SINGLE OUNCE of me. And Satan has tested EVERY SINGLE OUNCE OF ME. And they were both winning.  This week, I screamed, I cried, I acted like a child too. This week, I believed all the lies that were in my head. I beat myself up mentally. 

This afternoon it all changed. I had some time alone this evening. It was only about 10 minutes. But it was 10 minutes alone, to soak in God's beautiful creation and re-center. Fast forward to about 10PM. Super late for bedtime I know... ;) Ron went to bed and I was left on the couch with Miss Elly and Mr. Dillon. Dillon was in a great mood as was Elly. I had bought D two new books at Barnes & Noble today. One was a workbook on how to write and the other was a short story book from the new movie Planes. We did a page in his workbook, and then read his story book. I still did not feel like I wanted to put him to bed. I decided to put Elly to bed so that Dillon and I could have some alone time and re-center our mommy-son relationship. This week had taken a toll and it needed to be healed. Who is the ultimate Healer? God. I had gone into the kitchen to get a glass of water when I saw this sheet I had printed out MONTHS ago. I decided it was the perfect thing to sit and do with my son. Pray. Why hadn't I thought of this earlier? Oh! That's right. I was acting like a bratty little child this week too. I grabbed the sheet, he grabbed our favorite big green fuzzy warm blanket. We began to go through each topic to pray about. (The sheet in case you haven't clicked on link yet looks like this...

Each topic opened up conversations. Amazing and profound conversations. Some we have had before, and some that we had not. Love, friends, wisdom, choices, character, God, Jesus, Thankfulness, purity.... I was blown away and the things Dillon was asking, stumped on some, and blessed by others. The presence of God was there ever so strongly, I could feel my mind get stronger and healthier from the abuse it took the last few days. I was brought to tears a couple times in our conversation because of the relief I felt and also the guilt I felt for acting so horrible this week. We talked about our attitudes. I confessed to my son that I did wrong this week. Yelling, and saying snotty things. We talked about his attitude and words as well. Then together we prayed and asked for forgiveness and for a stronger relationship.

God is good. I am NOT a perfect Christian, I am NOT a perfect mother I am NOT a perfect friend.. BUT....I am not a horrible person. I am a normal and good mother that has lots of improving to do. I do deserve this life. God has given it to me because He thinks so too! I am tired, I am busy, but I AM BLESSED. .And tonight I was blessed even more. Thank you Lord, for loving me, for loving my family and putting people, books, words, creation in front of me to help me realize your love for me and my family.

♥L

Knocked Up- 36 weeks Prego this week!

My last post was a bit of downer... Today started off good and then went cruddy. So I have decided instead of sulking I will veg out for a minute and do a fun little pregnancy questionnaire.

When are you due: December 5, 2012

How many weeks: 36!!

Was this planned or unplanned: planned

How much weight gained: 16lbs

Is this your first pregnancy?: Nope, 5th. 2nd to make it full term! :)

Latest food craving: Orange Juice, smoothies, cheese and crackers, food.

Your top two name choices or baby's name: not saying still

Worst Thing about being pregnant: squished bladder, not being able to get comfortable at bedtime, P-Spikes. (don't ask unless you really want to know) and right now being sick for 3 weeks while in the last stretch of pregnancy.

Best Thing about being pregnant: feeling life inside me, knowing that I will be holding a precious little baby in about 4-5 weeks.

The first person you told was: my friend Maria as we were out to dinner and where we were sitting she thought we had to order a beverage with alcohol in it.

Are you more scared or excited: excited and anxious.

Happy or mostly moody: moody lately

Last time you cried over something ridiculous was: Tonight

You pee an estimated __ times a day?: 35 times, SO over that!

Weirdest dream you've had since pregnant?: That I worked in the circus and wore this beautiful blue sequined gown and I taught little Jack Russel pups to jump and do tricks and drink root beer out of paper cups. I also (same dream) was the horse trainer and I danced with the horses. I would wrap my arms around the horses neck and the horse would rear up and spin me in a circle. :) Another wierd dream is I wanted to have my pictures done by Amanda K (an amazing local photographer here in southern oregon) Her and her team, along with me, broke into my old high school gymnasium that looked more like a gross car shop. We heard people and started hiding on shelves so as not to be found. It was weird.

Will you breast feed: for sure! Hopefully for the first year!

List 5 qualities you hope your baby will possess:#1.  Happiness  #2.  A good cuddler  #3.  Curious  #4.  Patient  #5.  A gooood sleeper!

What's your ideal labor experience? Having the will and energy to move around as much as possible and utilizing all the natural pain-management techniques offered by the birth center with my husband right by my side.  To have a room full of love and laughter, good energy. To be surrounded by a group of special women. And of course as fast as Dillons birth or faster! :)

Have you been talking to your baby? Playing music?: I don't talk to baby  TOO often because honestly, I feel crazy when I do that. Sometimes Dillon and I will say hello and some other little things. When I found out that baby was breech I started taping a headphone on the lower abdomen and putting on Pandora. Mostly piano music as I find it relaxing and so I listen to it as well at the end of the day. No words to the music. I can just re-center myself and focus on relaxing my body so that baby is in a relaxed environment too. The past few weeks have been stressful so I've been trying to listen to music every night. This baby LOVES music. From the worship in church to the radio on or a TV commercial. he/she will start to wiggle. I love it.

Words of wisdom : Remember to breathe and don't feel guilty to pretend you have to go pee again, just so you have a few minutes to yourself.

Where's the chocolate!!!

I'm sorry but I'm depressed and I need to vent. Read at your own risk. I'm just burnt out.

When I was pregnant with Dillon I loved being pregnant. I loved everything about it and I don't remember getting tired and ready for it to be over.

Well... I am done being pregnant with baby #2. The past month has been very stressful for me. Especially these past two weeks. I have been sick with a major chest cold, flu like symptoms and a major sinus infection. Dillon has also been sick off an on the last 2 weeks. I have had zero energy, my stomach muscles and ligaments are sore from coughing so much as is my head, my face hurts from sinus pressure, my body aches from being pregnant and sick. I'm stressed thinking that my sickness has given this baby a more stressful environment the past two weeks than what I wanted. I wanted to be on "maternity leave" as of November 1st. My plan for November was to enjoy my last month with my son, get the house in order a bit and just relax and soak in the last month of my pregnancy. This is not the case and I am heartbroken. Because of me being sick I am weeks behind on client orders, I had to reschedule a small handful of sessions for the second weekend in November which means I'll be editing for the week or two after, Ron leaves to go out of town for a week and a half this Wednesday which means I will be back to single mama status. I have absolutely nothing in my house that pertains to a newborn baby. Everything is still in the attic. I have my best friends baby shower tomorrow and I so wish I felt 100% for it. My projects for the shower I didn't start on until today because of being so sick and they turned out like crap. So I've been crying for the last 1/2 hour. (Mostly from the stress of the last couple weeks). I just want to shut my cell phone off. Put a gate at the end of my driveway lock the doors and go into a complete hibernation for the next 4 weeks. I am wiped out. Maxed out. Stressed out. :(

Sorry for being a nag. But I needed to vent a bit. Prayers would be appreciated.

Mama to 3 Angels

Today, October 15th 2012

is

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

For some this may seem like another cheesy day that was created to remember people's

"embryos", "fetus" that they never saw, etc etc.

But for those that have suffered the loss of a pregnancy or an infant..

this is our day to talk about those babies.

To remember them verbally.

We remember them every day.

But we may stop talking about them because we don't want to drag others down, 

or make others feel uncomfortable.

But today... we talk. Today we openly remember them.

I, am a mama to 3 angels in heaven.

I never saw them.

But I saw their heartbeats.

They were my babies.

And I will always remember them.

Here is some info about this day.

• Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is a day of remembrance for pregnancy loss and infant death, which includes but is not limited to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or the death of a newborn. It is observed annually in the United States and Canada and, in recent years, in the United Kingdom and in the Australian State of New South Wales,[1] on October 15.
• The day is observed with remembrance ceremonies and candle-lighting vigils, concluding with the International Wave of Light, a worldwide lighting of candles at 7:00 p.m.

History

• The Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Movement began in the United States on October 25, 1988 when then-American President Ronald Reagan designated the month of October 1988 as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.^[2]

• The October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day (PAILRD) Campaign began in 2002 as an American movement started by Robyn Bear, Lisa Brown, and Tammy Novak. Together, they petitioned the federal government, as well as the governors of each of the 50 states, and by October 15, 2002 (the first observance of PAILRD) 20 states had signed proclamations recognizing the date as such.

Read more here.

God gave me the journey for a reason.

It has helped me help others in the same situations.

But there are still days I wonder why.

You can read about my journey HERE if you want. 

We didn't name our angels.

But today (and everyday) I remember

Baby #1 Due July 2008, miscarriage at 8 weeks

Baby #2 Due July 2010, ectopic pregnancy

Baby #3 Due December 2010, miscarriage at 7 weeks

I also want to remember my friend Krystle's baby

Due July 2010, miscarriage at 10 weeks.

To Jamie and her baby girl Ava and little boy Noah

Lindsay M and her angel, miscarriage in 2011

I know there are many more friends that have angel babies

and to all of you and the families who have little ones waiting for us in Heaven.

Thoughts are going out to you today. 

And a huge virtual hug.

Baby #3 Due December 2010

Yes, I really took that many tests and more! :) Baby #3 Due December 2010, M/C 7 weeks later

 

It's not goodbye... It's see you soon....

I haven't even got through the first sentence in this post and tears are filling my eyes....

When I was younger I loved change. New car, new house, a different schedule, you name it I was for it. As I get older change is harder.

Tomorrow my baby sister. My sister I wished for, will move away to college. How the heck did it go by so fast. 12 years younger than me and not only my sister but sometimes a feeling of my own child. (I think I'm feeling some empty nest syndrome... Dillon is not allowed to grow up) 12 years younger than me, we have always been at different points in life. Not for any reason other than age and life. So many times I had wished that we could be just a couple years difference between us. Talking about boys, acting like crazy kids together, experiencing more things at the same time together. So many times I wished that she remembered when I lived at home with her. We were inseparable when I was home. She was in my bed next to me almost each night, dancing in the bedroom, swimming in the pool, relaxing in front of the TV, hanging with me and my friends.... we were with each other all the time. Then I graduated and moved out. Moved away. Came back and got caught up in life. Early 20's. Juggling young adult life, priorities, and relationships. We stayed close but nothing quite like living at home in the same house.....

I love her to pieces. I would jump in front of a train for her. She makes me so proud in everything she does. This girl that I have the very amazing privilege of calling my sister has made some of the best decisions I have ever seen someone her age make. Her outlook on life is always positive and optimistic. Her desire to reach her goals is so passionate. Her zeal for living life to the fullest is contagious when with her. She love life... and it loves her back. (yep... I'm still crying)...(I'm blaming some of the tears on exhaustion and pregnancy hormones). God has HUGE plans in store for her. His hand is upon her and I am so excited to see him work in her and guide her to her dreams. I am even more excited to be her cheerleader on the sidelines. To be a phone call away on the nights she misses home. A skype away when she needs to see a refreshing and beautiful face (bahaha!!) Always praying for her. Always encouraging her.

.....

Dearest Gab,
Thank you. Thank you for being you. For all the smiles, all the encouragement, the hugs and all the fun pictures to hold onto while we are apart. I know it's not goodbye... it's see you soon. And as fast as time flys I know it won't be very long before we see each other again (in person cause Skype doesn't count). I hope you know how proud I am of you. I AM SO PROUD!! You have been so focused throughout your life. You have set goals and, with baby-steps and also giant leaps, have reached such amazing things at your age. You are a role model for so many people old and young. Stay focused but enjoy your time up north. Meet new people, experience some new things. But.... (yes in a motherly tone) keep your head on straight. Don't let the ways of the world sway you to try things that you know in your heart aren't good. Keep God close to your heart. Don't let your evening devotions fall away. Pray. Pray for guidance and wisdom that only He can give you. Pray for the people you encounter that you know need more of Him in their life. Be a light to them like I know you can. Pray for us at home as we are all worry-warts and will be thinking of you often and praying for you too. ;) Dad will be okay. We'll go visit him more so the house won't be so quite and he won't worry about you as much. ;) Know that we are all rootin' for ya! And know that anytime you need us we are here for you.

I love you baby sis!
♥ always
Lace

PS. I am reading a book that was suggested by my bookie friend Krystle. It's amazing. Although I will admit I picked it up only today and read bits and pieces. But I'm going to write somethings here but I am writing them to you also on paper so you have to hold. The book is The Circle Maker, Praying circles around your biggest dreams and greatest fears.

In the first chapter there is a few paragraphs that I love...
If you keep praying, you'll keep dreaming, and conversely, if you keep dreaming, you'll keep praying. Dreaming is a form of praying, and praying is a form of dreaming. The more you pray the biiger your dreams will become. And the bigger your dreams become the more you will have to pray. In that process of drawing ever-enlarging prayer circles, the sphere of God's glory is expanded.
Our date of death is not the date etched on our tombstone. The day we stop dreaming is the day we start dying. When imagination is sacrificed on the altar of logic, God is robbed of the glory that rightfully belongs to Him. In fact, the death of a dream is often a subtle form of idolatry. We lose faith in the God who gave us the big dream and settle for a small dream that we can accomplish without His help. We go after dreams that don't require divine intervention. We go after dreams that don't require prayer. And the God who is able to do immeasurably more than all our right brain can imagine is supplanted by a god -lowercase g- who fits within the logical constraints of our left brain.
Nothing honors God more than a big dream that is way beyond our ability to accomplish. Why? Because there is no way we can take credit for it. And nothing is better for our spiritual development than a big dream because it keeps us on our knees in raw dependence on God. Drawing prayer circles around our dreams isn't just a mechanism whereby we accomplish great things for God; it's a mechanism whereby God accomplishes great things in us.
Is it possible for a man to dream continuously for seventy years?
If you keep drawing prayer circles, the answer is yes.
May you keep dreaming until the day you die. May imagination overtake memory. May you die young at a ripe old age.

WOW! Isn't that amazing. :) I'll let you borrow this book when I'm done with it. It's going to rock our dreaming worlds!

I love you. More than you will ever know.

See you soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I did not re-read anything I just wrote. I was crying through most of it so I'm sure there are SO many typos. And sentences that do not belong or make any sense. :) I'm just a hormonal ball of emotions tonight. :)