Thursday, August 15, 2013

Crazy Beautiful Life

Sometimes I think, why. Why did God give me life? Why did I get married? Why did I choose to have kids? Why do I have friends? Why.... don't I just disappear? I'm not a good person. I'm cranky, I'm mean, I'm selfish, I'm disrespectful, I'm sloppy, I'm depressed, I'm.... just... horrible. I don't deserve this life.  And if I'm being honest here... I have begged begged begged for God to take me.

I have a very powerful mind. A very creative one at that. My mind NEVER shuts off. Never.  It's great at times and a curse at other times. When Satan wants to attack me, he does so by getting in my head. He knows my vulnerability lies in there. I could go into depth about my life, about times this has horribly affected me but I want to talk and write about this week because tonight.... something awesome happened.

This week I came home from a fun and relaxing filled weekend. I came home to my husband, my son and my daughter. There were hugs and kisses and I love you's said... and then.... real life took front stage again. My son, whom I love dearly. My son who is 4 1/2 going on 14. He is my oldest. I am the oldest in my family. Oldest for me meant= strong willed, confident, defiant, stubborn, moody. Oldest for my son = all of that too. So naturally because we are so much alike we butt heads. This week I could honestly say that almost every ounce of my body wanted to drop my son off with grammy and run away, throw myself into a bowl of spaghetti (who doesn't love to emotionally eat a bowl of spahgetti) and cry all of my mama's-at-the-end-of-her-rope tears away. (This is sugar coating my feelings) The truth is, satan saw what was happening. He saw me frustrated, he saw me angry, he saw me hurting and he got in my head. Do you know that Satan is a liar. His ultimate goal is to ruin and destroy anything good.

Side Note: I go to a bible study on Thursday mornings. We are currently reading The Power of a Praying Wife. Confession: I just bought the book today finally. I kept saying I would buy it off Amazon for cheap, and never did. So today I made myself get lost in Barnes and Noble (Holla if you love bookstores!) and I bought it. (Along with Have a New Kid by Friday, by Kevin Leman, woot-woot!) Side Note Over.

I started reading the book The Power of a Praying Wife tonight and on page 18 it says this... (this is directed towards marriage and husband and wife becoming one, but I feel it also applied to my life lately in many relationships) This oneness gives us a power that the enemy doesn't like. That's why he devises ways to weaken it. He gives us whatever we will fall for, whether it be low self-esteem, pride, the need to be right, miscommunication, or the bowing to our own selfish desires. He will tell you lies like, "Nothing will ever change." "Your failures are irreparable." "There is no hope for reconciliation." "You'd be happier with someone else." He'll tell you whatever you will believe, because he knows if he can get you to believe it, there is no future for your marriage. If you believe enough lies, your heart will eventually be hardened against God's truth.


This week. These are the lies I heard in my head. "You are a horrible mother." "How are you a person with a family, you don't deserve this." "Your kids would be better with someone else" "You are a mean and selfish person" "You don't deserve to be alive" They may seem miniscule here in this blog, but the shook me to my core this week.

This week Dillon has tested EVERY SINGLE OUNCE of me. And Satan has tested EVERY SINGLE OUNCE OF ME. And they were both winning.  This week, I screamed, I cried, I acted like a child too. This week, I believed all the lies that were in my head. I beat myself up mentally. 

This afternoon it all changed. I had some time alone this evening. It was only about 10 minutes. But it was 10 minutes alone, to soak in God's beautiful creation and re-center. Fast forward to about 10PM. Super late for bedtime I know... ;) Ron went to bed and I was left on the couch with Miss Elly and Mr. Dillon. Dillon was in a great mood as was Elly. I had bought D two new books at Barnes & Noble today. One was a workbook on how to write and the other was a short story book from the new movie Planes. We did a page in his workbook, and then read his story book. I still did not feel like I wanted to put him to bed. I decided to put Elly to bed so that Dillon and I could have some alone time and re-center our mommy-son relationship. This week had taken a toll and it needed to be healed. Who is the ultimate Healer? God. I had gone into the kitchen to get a glass of water when I saw this sheet I had printed out MONTHS ago. I decided it was the perfect thing to sit and do with my son. Pray. Why hadn't I thought of this earlier? Oh! That's right. I was acting like a bratty little child this week too. I grabbed the sheet, he grabbed our favorite big green fuzzy warm blanket. We began to go through each topic to pray about. (The sheet in case you haven't clicked on link yet looks like this...

Each topic opened up conversations. Amazing and profound conversations. Some we have had before, and some that we had not. Love, friends, wisdom, choices, character, God, Jesus, Thankfulness, purity.... I was blown away and the things Dillon was asking, stumped on some, and blessed by others. The presence of God was there ever so strongly, I could feel my mind get stronger and healthier from the abuse it took the last few days. I was brought to tears a couple times in our conversation because of the relief I felt and also the guilt I felt for acting so horrible this week. We talked about our attitudes. I confessed to my son that I did wrong this week. Yelling, and saying snotty things. We talked about his attitude and words as well. Then together we prayed and asked for forgiveness and for a stronger relationship.

God is good. I am NOT a perfect Christian, I am NOT a perfect mother I am NOT a perfect friend.. BUT....I am not a horrible person. I am a normal and good mother that has lots of improving to do. I do deserve this life. God has given it to me because He thinks so too! I am tired, I am busy, but I AM BLESSED. .And tonight I was blessed even more. Thank you Lord, for loving me, for loving my family and putting people, books, words, creation in front of me to help me realize your love for me and my family.